How do I love me? Let me count the ways.
Well, here I am again. I really am sporadic when it comes to blogging. My need to document my feelings seems to follow the direction of the wind. Today, I feel compelled to share again.
I've had a lot of things running through my mind lately. My diet, the direction of my life, my financial goals, my grandmother, my mother, my lack of exercise, John. All these things swirling around in my head constantly making me think and analyze, yet I never really reach any conclusions. Odd.
The diet, blah. I guess I'm doing OK. I've overdone it a little on some snacks, but other than the blowout I had a while back, I've remained LC at least.
The direction of my life? It seems as if I'm standing still. After my divorce a few years ago, I went backward. I sunk into a very deep depression and pretended that he was still with me, or at least that he was coming back soon. After I came out of that, I began moving forward, slowly, but forward none-the-less. Progress is progress regardless of its pace, right? Now it seems I've stopped moving forward all together. I guess that's better than going backward, but what the hell is up with that? I'll have to ponder that one some more.
Financial goals? Well, I've been living with mom now for about a year and a half. I've got money in my 401K, I've got some money in savings, but I haven't achieved anywhere near what I thought I would in this time. I really have to sit down and create a budget, then stick with it. I've been spending too much money. It's too easy.
My grandmother is dying. She's in a lot of pain, she's suffering, she looks pitiful, and I don't know what to do about it. There really isn't anything I can do about it, honestly. She has Alzheimer's disease and doesn't really know who I am anymore. Sometimes I think she might, but maybe I'm just fooling myself. I know she's going to die. I will miss her, but her suffering will be over and that makes me feel better.
The fact that my grandma is dying makes me take a look at my mom and realize her mortality. She's going to die some day. I don't know how I'll ever be able to live without my mommy. She's the most amazing person in the world, so giving, so kind, so honest, so loving, so beautiful. I love her more than she knows. I'm not very good at expressing it to her, I think. I need to work on that. She needs to know.
Exercise? Ack! I've been way lazy. At this rate, I'll never see my goal body staring back at me in the mirror. 'Nuff said.
John? I'm in love with him. I have been for a while. He doesn't love me back. That's another one for me to explore.
I've had a lot of things running through my mind lately. My diet, the direction of my life, my financial goals, my grandmother, my mother, my lack of exercise, John. All these things swirling around in my head constantly making me think and analyze, yet I never really reach any conclusions. Odd.
The diet, blah. I guess I'm doing OK. I've overdone it a little on some snacks, but other than the blowout I had a while back, I've remained LC at least.
The direction of my life? It seems as if I'm standing still. After my divorce a few years ago, I went backward. I sunk into a very deep depression and pretended that he was still with me, or at least that he was coming back soon. After I came out of that, I began moving forward, slowly, but forward none-the-less. Progress is progress regardless of its pace, right? Now it seems I've stopped moving forward all together. I guess that's better than going backward, but what the hell is up with that? I'll have to ponder that one some more.
Financial goals? Well, I've been living with mom now for about a year and a half. I've got money in my 401K, I've got some money in savings, but I haven't achieved anywhere near what I thought I would in this time. I really have to sit down and create a budget, then stick with it. I've been spending too much money. It's too easy.
My grandmother is dying. She's in a lot of pain, she's suffering, she looks pitiful, and I don't know what to do about it. There really isn't anything I can do about it, honestly. She has Alzheimer's disease and doesn't really know who I am anymore. Sometimes I think she might, but maybe I'm just fooling myself. I know she's going to die. I will miss her, but her suffering will be over and that makes me feel better.
The fact that my grandma is dying makes me take a look at my mom and realize her mortality. She's going to die some day. I don't know how I'll ever be able to live without my mommy. She's the most amazing person in the world, so giving, so kind, so honest, so loving, so beautiful. I love her more than she knows. I'm not very good at expressing it to her, I think. I need to work on that. She needs to know.
Exercise? Ack! I've been way lazy. At this rate, I'll never see my goal body staring back at me in the mirror. 'Nuff said.
John? I'm in love with him. I have been for a while. He doesn't love me back. That's another one for me to explore.
posted by Brownie at
5:00 PM
4 Comments:
So what happened to the internet dating? You might enjoy it and it would shake things up a bit for you.
I'm sensing that you don't really want to have to take charge of your own life. That's not a horrible feeling if what you want is a partner to do much of that with and for you. Its all in who you end up with and whether they enjoy that role. However, you do need to do it now whether you want to do it in the long term or not.
Do you think that if you "have it together" you might not be the person that will attract the right partner?
I'm not saying that is what I see in you, just sort of throwing stuff out to think about to see why you don't seem to want to take charge.
By
Prom, at 7/28/2004 5:37 PM
Sometimes it is just too easy to stay were we are. It requires no effort and it somehow feels safe and comfortable. We know what to expect in a sense. If we want something different, we need to jump into the realm of change. Change is full of the unknown and it does not feel as safe. We need to go into it with a sort of blind faith that everything will work out. Somehow we find our way through change, and new events occur that help us to move forwad and grow. We can make a new life for ourselves that is more in line with what we desire. Sometimes we want change in our lives, but we are unable to let go of our present circumstances to allow that change to unfold. Sometimes it takes a major event to make us see that we need to move on and actually make the leap towards our new destination. Maybe you are looking at what your life could be, but you just are not ready to go there yet. Keep exploring your options and figure out what feels right.
By
leaveme alone, at 7/28/2004 7:39 PM
I'm not afraid of change. I think my issue is that I feel like I'm somehow not good enough the way I am. That everything should be postponed until I've reached my goals.
Dating - well who wants a fat girl? I should wait until I'm thin. I know this makes no sense, but that's what goes on in my head.
The same goes for other areas of my life. Things will be better, or I'll do this once _____________.
It's not a good habit. I know this. I'm just not sure how to fix it yet. I haven't completely wrapped my mind around a solution.
By
Brownie, at 7/29/2004 10:49 AM
Ah, yes, waiting to live your life until you are the you who you think you should be. I can relate to that...
Other than just doing it one thing at a time I don't think there is an answer.
By
Prom, at 7/29/2004 6:49 PM
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