How do I love me? Let me count the ways.

Well, here I am again. I really am sporadic when it comes to blogging. My need to document my feelings seems to follow the direction of the wind. Today, I feel compelled to share again.

I've had a lot of things running through my mind lately. My diet, the direction of my life, my financial goals, my grandmother, my mother, my lack of exercise, John. All these things swirling around in my head constantly making me think and analyze, yet I never really reach any conclusions. Odd.

The diet, blah. I guess I'm doing OK. I've overdone it a little on some snacks, but other than the blowout I had a while back, I've remained LC at least.

The direction of my life? It seems as if I'm standing still. After my divorce a few years ago, I went backward. I sunk into a very deep depression and pretended that he was still with me, or at least that he was coming back soon. After I came out of that, I began moving forward, slowly, but forward none-the-less. Progress is progress regardless of its pace, right? Now it seems I've stopped moving forward all together. I guess that's better than going backward, but what the hell is up with that? I'll have to ponder that one some more.

Financial goals? Well, I've been living with mom now for about a year and a half. I've got money in my 401K, I've got some money in savings, but I haven't achieved anywhere near what I thought I would in this time. I really have to sit down and create a budget, then stick with it. I've been spending too much money. It's too easy.

My grandmother is dying. She's in a lot of pain, she's suffering, she looks pitiful, and I don't know what to do about it. There really isn't anything I can do about it, honestly. She has Alzheimer's disease and doesn't really know who I am anymore. Sometimes I think she might, but maybe I'm just fooling myself. I know she's going to die. I will miss her, but her suffering will be over and that makes me feel better.

The fact that my grandma is dying makes me take a look at my mom and realize her mortality. She's going to die some day. I don't know how I'll ever be able to live without my mommy. She's the most amazing person in the world, so giving, so kind, so honest, so loving, so beautiful. I love her more than she knows. I'm not very good at expressing it to her, I think. I need to work on that. She needs to know.

Exercise? Ack! I've been way lazy. At this rate, I'll never see my goal body staring back at me in the mirror. 'Nuff said.

John?  I'm in love with him. I have been for a while.  He doesn't love me back.  That's another one for me to explore.

More Thoughts on Internet Dating

I considered not doing it. I thought up tons of reasons not to do it. I told myself that I wasn't really interested in finding someone, that I wasn't ready for a "relationship," that I was only trying to make him jealous, that I was still too fat and no one would want me anyway, that there are no good men out there, that I'm happy alone, that I should wait until I got thinner, etc.

I'm scared. This is all very new and very scary for me.

I got married young. I married my high school sweetheart. I wasn't "out there" in my twenties. I don't even really know HOW to date!

I talked myself out of all of my excuses. The only one that kept lingering was to wait until I'm thinner to try this. But, the thought occurred to me that if someone is so superficial that he will pass me over because I've got a little extra padding, do I really want to consider him as a potential boyfriend? If I can't be loved for who I am why bother? I'm the same person, thin or not.

Internet Dating?

Where do I start? Hmm. Well, after all that talk of accountability yesterday, I still haven't exercised. I feel like a big lazy lump. Tonight I will exercise, come hell or high water.

So, I signed up for an internet dating service thingy. It feels weird. It is so nerve-wracking trying to find a way to write a little paragraph that describes who you are! Are they kidding? I'm a complex person, yet I'm also straightforward. I did the best I could. Maybe I'll post what I wrote here and get some critiques. Oh, and then you have to describe your ideal man! What the fuck? That's even more fun. I muddled through that one too. No one wants to read your life story, so you have to be brief, yet descriptive. You want to try to let your personality shine through, catch attention. It all seems so odd.

I did see one guy on there, though. He really got my attention, not only from his description of himself, but of his words about what he's looking for. He used good grammar, proper punctuation, and capitalized the beginnings of sentences and proper nouns. I found this particularly impressive. Have you people seen the way that some of these people present themselves?

I guess we'll see what happens.

Holding myself accountable

I really need to start holding myself accountable for my exercise. I've been slacking lately. It's become far too easy for me to blow it off. I was getting up and exercising in the morning for a while. That fell by the wayside pretty quickly. In the evening I talk myself out of exercising because of the heat. HELLO! I have air conditioning. I can use the treadmill for my run. I've gotten lazy. And it all happened in a matter of just a few days. I'm starting to think that I should only take one day of rest. 2 days and I can't seem to motivate myself.

I MUST get up early and get my exercise done in the morning.

I MUST do some sort of exercise daily.

I MUST stop making excuses.

I MUST do this for ME!

OK, I feel a little better. God, I wish I could afford to pay someone to drag me out of bed and make me up and run every morning. *sigh*

Over the weekend, I was wandering around in my mind in some places I probably shouldn't have been. Thinking thoughts of love and hope. Wishing wishes that I know won't come true, and basically depressing myself. The horoscope was a nice little reminder.

Fascinated by my horoscope today.

I check my homepage daily for my horoscope. Normally, I just scan it and I'm done. Sometimes it applies, sometimes not. But, today's really got me.

It's possible that there is someone in your life that you took a chance on, and who has really disappointed you. You were especially tolerant and patient, but now it's time to settle things once and for all and to put your cards on the table. Don't be afraid to do what you have to do to protect yourself and the people you love.

Hmm.

Dreamin' is Free

My mind has been wandering a lot today. So many thoughts running through my head, I need to somehow get them in order and take a look at them. Maybe I can figure them out, get some clarity of mind and spirit.

Music - I've been listening to the oldies station all morning, but for some reason (although I haven't heard the song in forever) a song keeps popping up in my brain. I've caught myself humming or singing it both out loud and in my head. Odd. I wonder what it means? Maybe the song is trying to tell me something. I'd almost forgotten how much I used to love Blondie. Deborah Harry really has a hell of a voice, so distinctive, such a range. Hmm.

Blondie - Dreaming

When I met you in the restaurant.
You could tell I was no debutante.
You asked me what's my pleasure, "A movie or a measure."
I'll have a cup of tea and tell you of my dreaming.
Dreaming is free.
I don't want to live on charity.
Pleasure's real or is it fantasy?
Reel to reel is living rarity.
People stop and stare at me,
We just walk on by; we just keep on dreaming.
Feet feet: walking a two mile.
Meet meet: meet me at the turnstile.
I never met him, I'll never forget him.
Dream dream: even for a little while.
Dream dream: filling up an idle hour.
Fade away, radiate.
I sit by and watch the river flow.
I sit by and watch the traffic go.
Imagine something of your very own;
Something you can have and hold.
I'd build a road in gold just to have some dreaming.
Dreaming is free.

One of my other thoughts, I guess sort of connects to the music thing, because it's about dreams. I rarely remember mine. I had such a good time yesterday helping out a bunch of people who were currently, or previously having some recurring dreams. I tried to help them sort it out, gave them some common interpretations. It was fun. I love dream interpretation. I think dreams are sort of a peek into the complexities of our minds. We use so little of our brain, it's as if when we sleep our mind is free to do as it pleases, stretch its muscles a bit and get something done that it finds more worthwhile than our daily lives. Imagine if we could actually tap into that and use our brains to their full capacity. Amazing.

Anyway, the dream thing. Lately, I've been dreaming that I'm pregnant. There are a few different interpretations for dreaming that you're pregnant. The simplest is that you actually ARE pregnant and your brain is trying to clue you into that fact. It could be that you're afraid you might become pregnant, or that you worry of complications in a pregnancy when you do become pregnant. None of those really apply to me.  The other avenue is that you're giving birth to new life (physically or creatively) which could simply be changes within yourself making you a new person. It can also signify creativity, new-found ability to be inventive, or that you're prepared to produce something (not necessarily an actual child). Perhaps there is a birth of something wonderful on my horizon.

Low Carb Dieting

Diet and exercise-wise, I'm still hanging in there. Someone posted something on another forum I frequent about "who's still counting carbs?" and that made me think a bit. I used to be meticulous about documenting anything that went into my mouth, and obsessively adding the carbs, calories, fat grams, protein, etc. My diet doesn't vary much. It's kind of boring actually. I have practically the exact same thing for breakfast and lunch every day (M-F). Dinner is the only thing that changes. Anyway, I've gotten away from documenting everything. I haven't gained. Actually, I am still losing, but with the amount I still have left to lose, it should be going much faster especially since I've increased my exercise. I think what I need to do is find a balance between obsessively journaling my food and not counting at all. I seem to go one way or the other. I'll work on that.

I really do think exercise is the magic wand that many Low-Carbers forget (or maybe ignore). I literally had to force myself to move for months before it became routine. But now I've come to a place where I cannot allow myself to miss exercise for fear that I'll become a couch potato again. I enjoy it. I still have to force myself occasionally but once I start, I'm fine. I FEEL better, I sleep better, I am nicer. It's something that I must do. There's no question.

I think low-carbers tend to get a little lazy. The weight drops off quickly in the beginning (for most), with practically no effort at all. People forget that being skinny doesn't necessarily mean that you're healthy.

Philly

Well, I've certainly been neglecting my blog. Here it is almost the weekend again and I haven't blogged since right before last weekend. Tsk tsk.

Let's see, what's been happening? I spent the weekend in Philly with some internet friends. Leslie and I roomed together since we'd met before and since the hotel was so flippin' expensive. I felt extremely comfortable with the arrangement. I think she felt the same way. We had plenty of time for girl talk.

I got to meet Tiki. She's EXACTLY the person I thought she'd be. She has so much energy. I wish I had half of her energy. I mean that literally too. If I took half of her energy, maybe she'd be able to gain a little weight. She tries so hard. I think it's easy for people who struggle with losing weight to forget that there are people out there who are constantly struggling with maintaining their weight and/or gaining. I loved meeting her. I'm going to try to figure out a good time to visit New England for another visit.

Max joined us for the day on Saturday. She's a lovely person as well and so THIN! We had a good time (the 4 of us girls) wandering around downtown Philadelphia, seeing the sights, shopping, and enjoying a couple of meals together before we headed over to the good doctor's house for the BBQ.

What a feast! Doc really went all out. We had a lovely assortment of cheeses, meats, nuts, and crackers to munch prior to the big event. He covered his enormous dining room table with burgers w/LC buns, sausages, chicken, brisket, ribs, green beans almondine, broccoli, peppers, salad, and geez, other stuff that I can't even remember. We drank LC margaritas (not from mix, great recipe too, I need to write that down), the doctor's own wine and strawberry vodka, and probably some other stuff that I can't remember. It was all fabulous.

He and his wife were the most welcoming hosts. Leslie, Tiki, and I talked about this on the way back to the hotel. Normally, when I'm in someone's home for the first time, there's a bit of awkwardness. It's not completely comfortable at first. I think everyone has experienced that. There was none of that at their home. I felt welcomed from the moment I walked in the front door. They're a great couple. I'd love to visit again, anytime.

Leslie was a little freaked out by Dr. Spock though. *giggle*

Somehow, I spent the weekend exercising. Between getting up early two days in a row and going to the hotel gym to work out, and wandering around town for hours, I got a hell of a workout. My legs were screaming on the drive home from LACK of movement. I had to get out at a rest area and stretch at one point. I felt better after stretching and actually jogged around for a bit to get some blood circulating in my legs. I had a brisk walk on the treadmill when I got home and felt tons better.

I lost 2 lbs while I was on my mini-vacation. How the HELL does someone lose weight on vacation? Especially when they eat like a horse the whole time? Amazing.

I have Leslie and Tiki (the exercise goddesses) to thank, though, for my new routine. I've been getting up early since I got home and exercising in the morning. It feels so much better than waiting to get home from work and forcing my mentally exhausted body to work out. Thanks ladies.

I have so much more to talk about, but no time now. More later.